Sunday, September 13, 2015

Kentucky Stump Speech

My Kentucky Stump Speech

(Dear international friends; this is a satyrical parody of how politicians in the USA talk.)

I have definitely decided I might run for public office. I feel nearly 6 decades as a human uniquely qualifies me for public service almost to the same degree as my peers. If I am elected I pledge to ignore the shameless campaign pledges proffered by both candidates for this office. I pledge to end the corruption and graft received by the current administration by placing it under my own diligent vigilance as your public servant.

I am a pro-life supporter of abortion. I am a liberal conservative. I will lower taxes and increase taxes. I am a pacifist supporter of the industrial military complex. I pledge to borrow sufficient money to prevent any budget deficit. I support the constitutional right to bear arms except for guns shorter than 18" or longer than 12". I support gay marriage between heterosexuals.

If elected I will choose as my cabinet only the most qualified and dedicated cousins. Under my administration public funds will be spent fairly and without prejudice to companies owned by my family and the families of my big donors.

I would never wish to slander my esteemed opponent by questioning his moral values. I will not make an issue of his belief in mastication. I do not believe the rumors that he masticates in public nor the incredulous charge that he teaches his children to do the same.

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